The View From My Knees

I’m just an average girl without any fancy degrees or certifications, but for some reason people often write to me to ask for advice on sex and relationships. I’m more than happy to offer my opinions, experiences, and research, but I also think that there is a lot I probably don’t know. That’s where you come in. Every week I’ll post questions sent to me by readers and my response, as well as a guest response from one of my smarty pants friends. Hopefully, we’ll have some good advice to offer, but I’m even more interested to hear what you guys have to say about the subjects. Share your own knowledge and advice in the comments. The more input we get, the more we can help each other.

Here we go…

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. Our sex life was pretty good at first, but for the past year she almost never wants to have sex. I’m lucky if I get it once per month. What should I do?

Advice from Misty

Oy, this is a big one. As much as American society would like us to pretend that sex is not as important as love in a relationship, it’s these differences in sex drive that seem to cause the most problems. Regardless of how much you love each other and how well you get along out of the bedroom, there’s an intimacy shared during sex between people who love each other that you just don’t get any other way. And when you can no longer get that level of intimacy, for whatever reason, the rest of the relationship suffers.

While some may think that your first step is to figure out the issues that have caused the problem, I think that your first step should be to find out if she thinks this actually is a problem. You can analyze your relationship, her health, and your sex life all you want, but if your girlfriend doesn’t think there is a problem, she won’t be willing to work on a solution. Talk to her about how this affects you and your relationship, and find out if she has noticed, and been concerned by, the drop in sexual activity. If you find that your partner isn’t willing to work on the issue, one possibility that you might want to explore is to ask for an open relationship. Explain to her that sex is important to you, and since it isn’t important to her you would like to work with her to create an open and honest relationship in which you can explore that need with other people. After all, if sex isn’t important to her, then it shouldn’t matter if you fulfill your need elsewhere, as long as you do it safely, honestly, and with her personal boundaries in mind. If she isn’t open to this possibility, and still isn’t willing to work on the issue, you have a tough decision to make: Can you continue a relationship without sexual intimacy? Don’t fool yourself into thinking things will magically get better on their own, or that you can fix things without her input. If your girlfriend doesn’t think there’s a problem, or isn’t willing to work on it, you have to assume that things will stay this way forever. Can you live like that? I certainly couldn’t.

If your girlfriend recognizes the problem and wants to work on it with you, you’ve already won half the battle. A willingness to work on this issue together is a sign that you both have an interest in keeping this relationship together and getting back to where you were a year ago. But don’t get too excited yet, you’ve still got a long road ahead of you. There are dozens of reasons a person’s sex drive may take a dive, and you two have to explore all of them until you find your solution. Start with medical issues. Any number of illnesses, conditions, and medications can have an effect on sex drive. Have her visit her doctor to discuss the issue, and do some research on any medications she is taking. Is she using a form of hormonal birth control (such as “the pill”)? I have personally experienced major drops in sex drive from these kinds of birth control. So much so that I refuse to use them. Perhaps you should try alternative methods of birth control, such as condoms or a non-hormonal IUD, for a little while to see if her sex drive improves.

Next, explore mental issues. Stress can be a real mood killer. Has her job become more demanding over the past year? Has she been experiencing depression or mood swings? Even Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can affect a person’s sex drive. If stress or depression seems to be the culprit, explore ways she can make her life less stressful, and even discuss the possibility of counseling.

Once you’ve discussed possible mental and health issues that might be causing problems, you can start to explore making improvements to your sex life itself. Find out what does get her in the mood, and try to incorporate more of that into your lovemaking sessions and daily lives. Does sex seem like a bother after a long day’s work? Treat her to an evening of “no work sex.” Tell her she just gets to lay there and enjoy herself while you pleasure her to her heart’s content, with no regard for your own pleasure. Bring out her favorite toys and get to work on her girl parts with your best finger and tongue tricks. If you’re lucky, she’ll get so turned on by your selfless attention to her pleasure that she’ll beg for your cock inside of her. But if not, just take pleasure in the pleasure you’re giving her, knowing that sessions like this will help her to once again see sex as a pleasurable and rewarding activity.

Some other tips include trying new things such as sex toys, watching porn together, and role playing. Go on a trip to get refreshed and reacquainted, or just get a hotel room in your city for a cheaper escape from your normal routine and surroundings. One thing Lucky and I love to do together is curl up naked in bed with a good erotica book and read aloud to each other. Sometimes, if we’re truly too tired or stressed to get busy, we just enjoy the intimacy of being naked together and sharing an activity. But often, we get pretty worked up and can’t stop our hands (and mouths, and genitals) from wandering. And, in addition to erotica, reading sex instruction and advice books together can be a great way to get excited about trying out new activities.

Here are a few of my favorite books that may help you with some of the advice I’ve given…

• For help in creating an open relationship: Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
• For a detailed look at sex toys to spice things up: Sex Toys 101
• For some hot erotica to read together: The Best of Best American Erotica 2008
• For inspiration to have steamy hotel sex: Do Not Disturb (our next Naughty Book Club selection!)
• For sex games and role playing ideas: How to Be A Dominant Diva
• Porn rentals to get you in the mood: SugarDVD.com

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out.

Guest Advisor: Aspen

There are a few things that could be going on here. Barring any kind of new medication or birth control that could have caused a change in her interest, I’m gonna go ahead and say routine has killed your girlfriend’s desire. After four years, you know what’s sexy? Not having to remind you to put your dirty socks in the hamper. Having you put the dishes away without being nagged. Women, not all of them, but enough that this matters, get turned on in their brains and THEN in their junk. And turning a woman on means being a full partner who takes care of his share of the work and who sometimes goes an extra mile to show that you love and appreciate her. It is definitely NOT sexy to be stuck in a routine where your lady feels more like your mom or your maid than the gorgeous sex goddess you got together with in the first place.

The first piece of my advice is to do whatever you can to break up the routine of your domestic life. If you could be helping out more around the house, start doing it. If your lady is always responsible for dinner, cook for her once in a while and clean up afterward. Does she always have to nag you to take out the trash? Just do it without being asked. What your aiming for here is to help your lady feel like since this stuff matters to her, and she matters to you, you’re there to help her every step of the way. That’s really fucking sexy.

No really, it is.

My second piece of advice is to break up the routine of your bedroom life, and this starts way before you actually get in the bedroom. If you don’t compliment and touch her sensually unless you’re trying to whine your way into her ladyparts, STOP THAT – IT’S SO OBNOXIOUS! Tell her that she’s hot at times when you aren’t immediately trying to fuck her. Compliment her every time you notice how goddamn hot her ass looks. Kiss her passionately just because she’s such a great kisser and leave it at that. Hold her hand in public, rub her back when it aches, cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. What you’re aiming for here is to show her that she’s fuckable and gorgeous and you desire her without that feeling being dependent on your cock in her vag. Basically, you need to SHOW her that you are ridiculously in love with her, still, and every day.

In short my friend, there is no super secret sex trick that will magically make her want to fuck you every day. You gotta turn on her brain by being fully present every day and working hard for her because she’s the woman you love. There is nothing hotter than that. Good luck!

Do you have tips, tricks, or anecdotes to share involving this subject? Let’s hear them! Want to see your question published in the next advice column? Send an email to TheGirl@herknees.com.