Advice: My husband never wants sex
April 3rd, 2009
Original photo by Lucky
Hi Misty, I read last week’s advice to the guy whose girlfriend isn’t interested in sex anymore. I have a similar problem with my husband. We get along well from day to day, but when it comes time to get intimate, he isn’t responsive. He would rather watch TV together or go to sleep than make love. Is your advice any different when it’s the man that doesn’t want sex?
While some of the advice for you might be the same as the boyfriend from the previous week’s column, there are some differences. No matter which sex is experiencing the low sex drive, the first step in solving the problem is to talk about it. Make sure to find a time when he isn’t preoccupied with other things. Don’t interrupt him while he’s watching the game, or ambush him right when he gets home from work. And don’t do it while you’re in bed, or in a sexual situation where he may feel pressure to perform right after you’ve had the conversation. You want his full attention, and you don’t want to make this feel like a chore he’s doing simply to appease you. He’s got to believe that this talk will benefit both of you. Just like I said before, your first goal is to find out if he thinks there is a problem, and if he wants to fix it. If the answer to either of those questions is no, then you have to make a tough decision: leave him, or accept that your sex life will never be what you want it to be. This is also true if he has always had a low sex drive. You can’t fix this on your own, and you can’t change who he is. If he isn’t willing to work on it or if this is just who he is and has always been, nothing is going to change. Can you accept a marriage without sex? I couldn’t. And honestly, I don’t think anyone else should.
If he’s agreed that you have a problem, and if he is willing to work on it with you, your next step, again, is to determine if this is a medical issue. Is he experiencing difficulty getting or maintaining an erection? The anxiety caused by this humbling condition can cause some men to avoid sex completely. But, as the contents of your spam filter will tell you, there is an easy solution to this. Have him schedule an appointment with his doctor to discuss this, or any other medical issues he may have – including side effects of any medication he may be taking – that may be affecting his sex drive.
Next, explore mental issues that might be affecting him. Is he depressed? Depression can be a big hit to the sex drive of a man or a woman, so explore that issue thoroughly. Similarly, job stress and money issues can be a real downer, and often affect men as the major breadwinners in a relationship even more so than women. Does he need to cut back on his hours? Take a well-deserved vacation? Is it time to start looking for a career that makes him happier?
Now that you’ve explored these issues, it’s time to take a look at a major cause of lower sex drive in men that the women’s magazines will almost never address: you. Be honest with yourself, and make it easier for him to be honest with you. Have you gained weight? Do you spend most of your time in baggy t-shirts and sweatpants? Have you let yourself go? Face it, men are visual creatures. No matter how much they love us, we can’t just expect them to come to attention at the site of flabby and frumpy bodies. It may be time for you to stop worrying about your sex life and start worrying about your health and appearance.
In addition to your appearance, it may be time to take a good look at your attitude. Do you nag him constantly about household chores, money, or other issues? Do you talk about nothing but the kids all the time? Yes, children are a big part of your life, and yes, those chores need to get done, but if these are the only conversations the two of you ever have then he will have a hard time associating anything but chores and responsibilities with you. Try letting all of that go, every once in a while, and just tell him how much you love him. Tell him how hot he makes you. Turn up the dirty talk. Send him naughty text messages while he’s at work. You have to help him see that there’s more to your relationship than the daily responsibilities. You have to remind him how hot you were for each other when you first met.
And now for the fun part. If you think his lowered sex drive may be just because you need to add a little spark back into your relationship, there are all kinds of great things you can try. First, send the kids to grandma’s for the weekend. You’re going to need complete privacy so that you can fall in love with each other all over again, and you don’t want to worry about who hears those screaming orgasms (that’s right, positive thinking). First off, make a promise to yourself and to him that you won’t talk about any of the bills, the chores, or any other stressful topics for the entire weekend. Order a few sex toys or a couple of sexy porn movies from your favorite sex shop to get you excited about trying new and exotic things. Check out a few books and videos and learn how to give him a sexy striptease that’ll get his heart racing. And don’t forget about those great books that will give you ideas for exciting sex games and new positions. Heck, you should even try reading a some great erotica to each other (maybe even something from this web site!).
Good luck, and here are a few resources to help put some spice back into your sex life:
- 101 Nights of Grrreat Romance
- Tricks to Please A Man
- Strip Tease Kit
- Sex Toys 101 Kit
- Carmen Electra’s Striptease Workout
Do you have advice or experiences with this issue? Maybe you’re in the same situation and have some additional questions. Let’s hear them in the comments.
