The View From My Knees

hi there,
 
how are you? i’m Dan in mid 30, single and i’m in _____, i was browsed through and saw your ad so i thought i wanted to say hi and get to know you better, I live alone in a townhouse and i don’t smoke. i’m very open minded and heart and easy to talk to and sincere. i work for USPS and i’m also a struggling actor. i would love to get to know you and meet you for coffee sometime. here is my pics so click on that ok => Dan’s Resume . anyway, i would love to hear from you so this is just an introduction letter and if you have more question then just email me ok. hope to hear from you soon, take care.
 
-Dan
 
ps, you are beautiful. oh i would love to be part of your friendship circle.

Dan’s first email to me was unimpressive. His grammar made my head hurt. The thought of responding to him was almost painful. But this was the Month of Yes, so I did. Over our next few emails, I didn’t learn anything new about Dan. Most of our emails consisted of the details of when and where we could meet for a drink. I was pretty certain this wouldn’t go anywhere beyond the experiment, so I didn’t mind getting the date out of the way as quickly as possible. We met one Thursday for an early evening drink. I knew almost immediately that my initial feelings were right on the mark. Dan was a very sweet guy, but we had nothing in common, and I wasn’t the least bit attracted to him. To be honest, I found his topics of conversation to be vapid and superficial. It was clear that we were just very different people with very different lifestyles.

The next day, Dan sent me a very sweet followup email (something I always appreciate after a date), telling me how much he’d enjoyed meeting me and how pretty he thought I was. I replied and let him know that I thought he was very sweet, but I wasn’t interested in seeing him again.

hi there, hows it goingso…are you real?if so, what is your myspace url?everything you want to know about me is in mine, including pics

Ralph’s initial email was short, asking only if I was a real person (a valid concern on many dating sites), and if I had a Myspace URL. I probably wouldn’t have replied to him outside of the experiment; he didn’t take the time to tell me about himself, and I usually steer clear of people that use Myspace and other social networking sites as a means to get to know someone. Ralph’s next email, however, was a little more intriguing, if not frustrating. He gave me his Myspace URL, where I learned that he rides a bike (bonus), does art (double bonus), and is very cute (super bonus). But in that same email he stated that I “seemed a little too hip” for him, that he was “a real square,” and that I wouldn’t be interested. Despite my positive reaction to his profile, I suspect that under normal circumstances I would have tossed this suitor aside at this point. After all, if he doesn’t think he’s “hip” enough for me, he probably isn’t. But in the name of the experiment I assured him that I didn’t think he was square at all, and we continued our emailing.

What followed was a series of fun and quirky emails where we learned that we grew up in the same town (and both hated it), didn’t like to use cars (he didn’t even own one), and had many other things in common. Finally, we set up a date, and I was genuinely excited to meet him. We met up one night in a park near my house and discovered an outdoor showing of The Incredible Shrinking Woman. Afterward, we warmed up with hot cocoa and appetizers at a nearby restaurant. When he walked me home, we said a friendly goodbye and parted ways. There was no kiss goodnight, but I suspected that was due more to his shyness than a lack of chemistry.

The next day, we emailed each other saying what a great time we’d both had and how we’d like to see each other again. Finally, it seemed as though I’d found someone on an internet dating site that I might continue seeing after the experiment. But, unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. My schedule got hectic with Burning Man preparations, and it was over a month before were were able to find time to go out again. We went to a movie, and afterward I invited him to a bar for a drink, but he declined and said a hasty goodbye. After that, he stopped emailing and I haven’t heard from him since. Oh well, I guess I just wasn’t his type.

Dear ?,
 
Well, I don’t care if you’re married.
 
I live on _____ and don’t own a car, by choice. I work 5 day a week.
 
You write erotica? I write it in my head, but I’d never write it down, in case I died and someone found it. I plan to leave no evidence behind.
 
I look different than my photo now. My hair is much longer and it changes my face quite a bit. Not as handsome/butch-like in real life, because I’m actually quite pretty. I feel confident about my looks, even looks aren’t everything, as we all know.
 
Why should we hang out? Well, because I’m one of the most authentic people on the planet, and if someone brings me any sort of joy, they’ll get twice as much in return. I’m also a great lover, but I rarely have sex, and only because I’m very picky and won’t drop my pants for many. Ha! I also think we have a few things in common, even though I’m not sure what they are yet. Just a feeling I have, and my feelings are usually right on.
 
Be very well,
Shura

Shura was the only woman to respond to my ad. Her initial email was wacky, yet personable. She mentioned some things she liked about my ad, and she told me about herself. The picture she included, however, was not appealing to me. She was a little on the butch side, which is fine, but not something I find attractive in women. The lack of physical attraction probably would have dissuaded me from replying to her outside of the experiment.

In the emails leading up to our first meeting, Shura displayed a quirky attitude that I found refreshing. I wondered if there would be a connection after all, despite my initial reaction to her photo. We made a date to have beers in the park, and when I arrived at our meeting spot, I could see that there would be no chemistry between us. She was slightly less butch than in her photo, but she was a good 10 years older than me and it showed. We sat under a tree and drank and chatted for about an hour. I did like her personality and thought she would be fun to hang out with again, but I knew she wasn’t looking for just another friend. The next day, I emailed her and let her know that I’d enjoyed our time together but hadn’t felt any attraction. I never heard back.

Hey there,
Finally!! A gurl that has caught my attention. All the _____ adds are just down right boring. Well the 2% that are real anyway. First off, I understand a poly relationship, although I haven’t met anyone opening up to the fact. So, yes I am open to the possibilities. Your words about roller skating was what prompted me to write. Very cute! and fun. I can see that already. And the photo of you in your Super Gurl outfit, super cute!
Gawd, now to sell myself!? OK, blue collar punk rock guy. Lefty, try to stay up on current events, with a concern with the pillaging of the mother. Just really pissed of with the new world order. Try to leave a small footprint, and spread the word. It’s really hard to convince people to care for our world. Whoa, OK, no more ranting here. I am just a guy that is confident and comfortable with where my life is. I like reading, anything from Mother Jones to tech manuals to classics, fiction, even sci fi. Lover of music and that is very eclectic. Just ask and I could rattle off twenty groups of the top of head. My side projects really consist of motorcycles, and when capital presents itself I love to indulge in my passion. Although I wish to play with pedal power, sometimes I think I just make up excuses not to bicycle.
I am also sane, at least I think so, open, honest, and love conversation. Just a cool guy to be with. And looking to broaden my horizons in this wonderful city we live in. Speaking of which, I live in _____, close enough? If you like my words, maybe a meet and greet sometime. I will spill a whole lot more and maybe pick some up from you. I think that would be much more enjoyable that a one sided conversation with a flat screen. Also I am a horrible typer!
Talk to you soon,
Ferris.
Ps. this pic is a few months old, but I think it depicts me well.
 

Ferris’s initial email was a prime example of what a response to a personal ad should be. He started out by telling me what he liked about me, which is a refreshing change from the people that obviously didn’t even take the time to read my ad. Then, he went on to tell me a little bit about himself. Because he included a photo of himself with his email, I was pleased to see that he didn’t waste time telling me what he looked like. I know it’s been said many times before, but pictures really are worth a thousand words. If I have a photo of you, I don’t need to hear about the color of your eyes or how handsome you are. Instead, Ferris told me about such things as his outlook on life, some of the things he liked to do, and the kinds of books he liked to read. Then, he ended by saying that if I liked what I’d read, we should get a drink. And I did like what I’d read. Experiment or not, I would have responded to this one. We emailed back and forth a while longer before he moved forward on his suggestion that we meet in person. We made a date for an early drink at my favorite bar later that week.

On the surface, our date went well. The conversation flowed easily. He was a very nice, intelligent guy. However, I found that I just wasn’t very interested in his topics of conversation. In fact, there was nothing about him that was catching my interest. After our date, I emailed him and told him that I’d enjoyed meeting him, but that I didn’t feel any chemistry between us, so I wouldn’t be going out with him again. He replied to say that he’d really enjoyed meeting me, and he graciously thanked me for being straightforward with him. Overall, it wasn’t a bad time. I guess there are just those times when the sparks don’t fly for no particular reason.

Original photo by Mechanic

The Month of Yes 2008 came and went and I never got around to telling you about my annual experiment in internet dating. I hope you can forgive the delay, babydolls; here is what you’ve been waiting for:

Long time readers of my blog, or those of you that have hungrily devoured the archives, are familiar with a little experiment I like to run each year called The Month of Yes. (Skip ahead if you know the background) It was inspired by a review I read of a book called The Year of Yes. In this book, a woman who had become frustrated with her dating life decided that, for an entire year, she would go out with everyone who asked her. Although I still haven’t gotten around to reading the book, the article inspired me to try a similar experiment. Unlike the author, though, I wasn’t looking for love, and I wasn’t dating a bunch of losers. On the contrary, I was (and still am) madly in love with my husband, and I’m having a great time dating friends of friends. What I saw in this experiment was the opportunity for variety. Going out with someone I normally wouldn’t consider “my type” would expose me to new people and, with any luck, a whole new set of new adventures.

Since I didn’t have the time to do this for an entire year – heck, I have a hard enough time fitting my current friends and lovers into my busy schedule – I decided to try it for one month. But I had to set up some rules. I’d start by placing an ad or posting a profile on a dating site. Then I’d reply to every single response that came in, regardless of how crass, illiterate, or just plain boring they were. I’d keep the conversations going as long as I had to for my new pen pals asked me on a date. Then, if nothing in our correspondence had set off my creep-o-meter, I’d say yes. I’d make sure to do all of the usual safety checks, like meeting in a public place and telling Lucky who I was meeting. And then I’d just see what happened.

So, now that you’ve had a little primer, are you ready to hear how this year’s Month Of Yes turned out?

The initial response to my ad was, to say the least, unimpressive. Out of the 50 or more emails I received within the first few hours of posting my ad, only two or three actually looked promising. The rest ranged from boring to impersonal to downright offensive. Several times, I had to grit my teeth and repeat my mantra (“It’s for the experiment, it’s for the experiment”) before I could bring myself to hit that reply button. But I did. I replied to each and every one until my inbox was so full I had to delete my ad just to keep my sanity. With only 30 days in a month, I had to be realistic that I wouldn’t have time to meet even half of the people that that had responded.

And so it began. I dutifully corresponded with all of my new potential suitors, trying my best to keep the communication going and waiting to be asked out on a date. Despite the vast number of people I was corresponding with and their obvious interest in getting to know me, the invitations were slow to come. By mid-month, I had reached as many as 20 emails with these people, and not one of them had suggested that we actually go out on a date. But eventually some of them got up their nerve, often with a little prodding by me, and we arranged to meet. So, how many dates did I actually make after wading through over 50 initial responses?

Four.
Yes, four.

In the next few days, I’ll tell you about each of my four dates, and what went wrong versus what went right. Stay tuned…