Photo by Lucky
One of the sex-positive podcasts I listen to often discusses this new idea in polyamory called kreplits. Well, the idea isn’t new but the word is. Someone made it up to identify a unit of time, energy, affection, and love that people have to give. We polyamorists love to talk about how our capacity to love is not finite, but we can’t deny that the amount of energy, time, and affection we have to give to people is very limited, and kreplits attempts to measure this. Honestly, I really hate this word. Of all of the made-up words poly communities have introduced – including polyamory itself – this one sounds the most ridiculous. It’s like someone opened up the Klingon dictionary and grabbed a random word. However, I’m hearing it used more and more so I guess it’s time to accept it, because the idea it represents is very important. In fact, it’s something that has been wreaking havoc on my life lately and it wasn’t until a recent discussion on that podcast about replenishing kreplits that I really understood what was happening.
In episode 242 of Sex Is Fun they discussed sexual aftercare and how it relates to the kreplits theory. In their discussion, they talked about how encounters with people, sexual or otherwise, drain kreplits and aftercare is how we replenish them. Aftercare can be as simple as cuddling after sex, or it can be taking some time for yourself. It can be getting a massage from a close friend and just feeling cared for. Aftercare and kreplit replenishment is different for everyone, but it’s not something that can be ignored because when you don’t take the time to do it you become drained and suddenly have nothing left to give to your partners, your friends, and yourself. This reminded me of a discussion panel I attended recently where a former stripper talked about not even trying to emotionally connect with all of her customers because it’s too draining to just give and give emotionally all day long and not get anything back. At the end of a shift you would have nothing left for yourself or the people that are actually important in your life.
I’ve been running on empty for months now. Maybe longer, I’m not really sure.
In the past I’ve been able to give a lot of myself and get replenished without even thinking about it. Lucky is a very giving partner. He pampers me, both emotionally and with his actions. He also never asks for much, so even though I give him my kreplits all the time I never feel like I’m giving more than I have to offer. When Lucky started a new hobby, however, the replenishing of my kreplits took a dive. He had much less time to devote to our relationship and was often distracted with preparations and performances. I would never ask for him to devote less of his life to this hobby because he is very good at it and truly enjoys it, but it has affected our relationship and it’s something we need to work on. The time we do have together is very special and loving, and hopefully beneficial to both of us. I just wish there was more of it.
Something else that used to help replenish my kreplits was my relationship with Mac. He may not have been the type to surprise me with little gifts or offer up a neck massage, but there were many pure moments with him that did wonders for my kreplits. Perhaps it was when he was walking behind me and made a comment about how great my ass was, which he somehow made loving and complimentary instead of objectifying, like those same words would have been coming from anyone else. Or there were the times while we were having sex when he would just smile at me, and at that moment anything I was giving to him emotionally was immediately returned, twofold. I miss those moments so much. I never realized how much I needed them.
And now I have a new relationship with Vincent, and even though I am deeply in love with him I find that it is a constant drain on my kreplits. I feel like there are constant demands for my time and affection, and that most interactions are either an equal give-and-take of kreplits, or just me giving. I can’t recall a single moment during which I felt like he was completely giving to me without asking for anything in return. And now I’m drained. I feel like i have nothing left to give to Vincent, Lucky, or any other partner I have currently or will have in the future. I have nothing left for myself. I have nothing left for my friends. I have nothing left for this blog. I feel like I’m just going through the motions.
I don’t mean for this to sound like Vincent is a bad person. People love in different ways. Sometimes those ways are compatible, and sometimes they aren’t. I don’t know if our ways are compatible, especially given the added complication of a polyamorous relationship. Every time I try to pull back what I give to this relationship it is met with outcry. And why shouldn’t it be? I have set a certain expectation and now I’m trying to change it. But it has to change. I just don’t know how to make this change and keep everyone happy, least of all myself.
Candy Color Glass Dildo
Fukuoku 9000
Hitachi Magic Wand
