Changing or Leaving? I guess that’s the question.
April 16th, 2012My husband doesn’t find me attractive anymore. He hasn’t for a while, and I can’t say I blame him. I’m a much different person that when we met, both in appearance and style. I look nothing like the girls he dates. I am nothing like the girls he dates. For a while, I didn’t think much of it. I assumed that our love for each other mattered more than whether he liked my hair or style of dress. But then one day I realized that it had been months since he told me I looked attractive. And even longer since he’d made any reference to finding me sexy.
On those rare occasions when we make love, it’s awkward. Forced. It feels like he’s doing it to show his love for me, but not because he desires me. Not because he is passionate about me. It feels like it’s done more out of obligation. We’re married, therefore we should have sex.
It hurts a lot. I know he loves me very much. But love alone does not make a relationship. A relationship requires passion, attraction, and desire. Do I have an obligation to my relationship to ensure that I don’t do things to make myself less attractive to my partner? Of course I should stay in good shape and take care of myself, but what about my personal style? If my husband loved my former Plain Jane look and I love the harsher, more eccentric style I’ve grown into what do I do? Do I change back to try to save my relationship? Could I be happy as the former me? Or would I resent him for unintentionally making me feel ashamed of the person I was becoming, even though that person felt more like me? It feels like a no-win situation.
We spent this past weekend in Portland, celebrating 7 years together. I absolutely adore Portland, and we had a wonderful time going to comedy shows and video arcades and just hanging out. But when we made love Sunday morning I was left wishing we’d just not bothered. I don’t mean that it didn’t feel good. We both reached orgasm. It just left me feeling sad. It reminded me of what is missing from our relationship. As we ate breakfast later that morning there was casual mention of some things about my appearance that he wished were different. I couldn’t help but roll them over in my mind for much of the rest of the afternoon. Should I change for him? Could I change for him? Would it save our relationship?
And then I took a good look around me. We were in a city full of people that look like me. Dreadlocks, eccentric style, hairy legs…it was everywhere. And I started to realize that there was nothing wrong with the way I look just because someone doesn’t find it attractive. It’s me, and I should feel comfortable looking like me. I wondered if the solution to my problem was not to change myself, but to change my situation and my surroundings. I don’t like the idea of running away from my problems, but that afternoon I started to think that maybe I would actually be running to something. Yes, I’d be leaving a city I loved, many dear friends, a job I enjoy, and a husband I am deeply in love with. But I fantasized I’d be finding a place where I felt like I belonged and was appreciated for everything about me. A place where I wouldn’t feel the urge to apologize for the way I look. People who would like me because of the person I’ve become, not despite it.
Maybe it’s just a passing feeling, but right now when I look at this city to the south – adorably hippie and full of dreadlocks, strip clubs, and bicycles – I see home. I see hope. I see me. But I don’t see my husband, and that breaks my heart.
Filed under: Experiences |
