The View From My Knees

Original photo by Lucky

Dear Misty,

This came from a discussion I had with someone in your chat room.

At what point or when does a friends with benifits arrangement become more than a FWB (like a relationship)?

Further how does one tell that one is not just being used in a FWB situation?

 
 
The Friends with Benefits (FWB) relationship can be a wonderfully symbiotic relationship. You can hang out, have a few drinks, and laugh. You can satisfy each other’s most devious desires without fear of being judged. Or you can just get in a quick fuck without all the usual song and dance. Sometimes this kind of relationship is filler between romances, and sometimes it’s an arrangement that goes on for years. However, while it may seem like the perfect solution for some friends, for others it’s like playing with fire. The real question is whether that fire is something that will burn up everything in its path or stay hot and steamy for good.

Any time you introduce sex into a relationship – whether it’s a romantic date, a good friend, or a one night stand – there is potential for unexpectedly intense feelings and that could cause problems if both parties are not on the same page. So, how can you tell if/when aFWB is turning into more than just a friend? You talk about it. If you’re starting to feel a romantic attachment to your FWB it’s your responsibility to yourself and your friendship to address it. If he or she is feeling the same way then you’ve gotten it out in the open and you can move on to something even better without a lot of wondering and guessing. If not, it’s better to get it all out there and figure out how to deal with these emotions so that you don’t get hurt and ruin the friendship entirely. Additionally, if you like things the way they are but start to suspect that yourFWB is getting more emotionally involved in the arrangement than you’d prefer it’s up to you to bring it up. Otherwise, he or she will begin to resent you for not falling into a relationship model that hasn’t been discussed and the two of you will never make it out to the other side with your friendship still in tact. Yes, sometimes situations like these will mean that you lose you “benefits,” but sometimes it’s the only way to keep the friendship. There are plenty of other places to get your rocks off, but good friends are hard to find.

Your second question can be solved with a bit of common sense. First off, let’s be honest about something. If you’re in a FWB relationship, you are being used. As a matter of fact, you are using each other. And you’re doing it with each other’s permission. That’s what’s so great about it. You’ve already established that, for whatever reason, you don’t want to be in a relationship with each other, but that’s no reason not to help each other out with some of those carnal needs. So get over this concept of being “used.” You are both getting something out of the arrangement, otherwise you wouldn’t be doing it. If, however, you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship then it’s up to you to ask for what you want outright. If he or she doesn’t want to or can’t give it to you then just go back to being friends and stop looking for something that just isn’t there.